HI Michelle-
I’ve missed you too!
I’m sorry you had such a scare. I know how hard it is just wanting that hug, smile, or soft words of encouragement from someone who can’t give them to you . You must have been scared to death about a possible reoccurrence of your cancer. I think that would be a pretty normal reaction for any of us, if we want to admit it or not. I’m glad to hear you got the all clear from your doctor. I’m sure it’s frustrating not know what the pain was caused by though too. I guess something we just aren’t to know.
I’m sorry things are still tense with the family. That is hard, but I do believe everything is as it should be. There is a reason for the distance, the distrust… and many times it has nothing to do with us at all. It has to do with their individual paths and lessons they need to learn. I think I’m probably like you though and take it personally. I try not to, and some days I do well knowing that but then there are other times I just want to have a melt down and cry for the loss and dysfunction.
As for my Mom I don’t’ know if you read the post I wrote about my cousins visiting a couple weekends ago and the pop bugging Mom’s teeth, but I went through the whole scenario of what to do if she gets an infection in her teeth and gums… all the options down to realizing at this point I need to follow her DRN request. That is what she would want and it is about her needs and desires not mine. Pulling her teeth would be trying to extend her life. I decided I would give an antibiotic but no teeth pulling as it would be so hard on her. It was a tough process but a necessary one and I’m grateful for being able to have processed all of this prior to an actually crisis at hand.
I’ve been in contact with the staff and visiting a lot to monitor the situation. Mom seems to be ok with her regular food (all mushed so she can swallow it). We just have to stay away from the pop for now. I hear the clock tick, tick, tick in my head knowing it is just a matter of time, but also knowing it’s not up to me to determine the time frame. It is God’s. I’m glad he has the job! I don’t want that one. My family doesn’t’ seem to get the end is near and what is to come, but that is their path. I can only walk mine.
I’ve been finding bobby pins all over my house and was starting to wonder if it was signs of my Mother, but my daughter says they are probably from her. I still don’t understand how they get in some of the places I find them or how they get there when she isn’t even around. I think I’m going to choose to look at them as my Mom letting me know she is around. It just gives me comfort and I don’t think there is any harm in feeling content. I deserve to feeling content and close to her even when she isn’t right in front of me so why not. Do you feel you get any signs with your Mom?
Love ya Hang in there
Lori